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Why
do men disappear when they learn I'm heavy?
Dear
Ron,
I
am a 50-year old woman who, like a lot of Americans, has a weight
problem. I am changing that, but at the present I need to lose a
lot more. I find myself getting discouraged because most of the
men whose profiles I have looked at in my age range want a slim/slender
woman. Some of these men don't care about language, ethnicity, smoking
habits or even if she is from three to six feet tall, as long as
she is skinny. It makes me want to scream out, "If you want
a Barbie doll, shop at Toy R Us!"
I
am not into telling lies, so when I do get a response and tell the
person that I am overweight, that is the end. No response —
just dead air. So what should I say? I have tried saying that I
am losing weight (27 pounds in the past 4 months!) and that it has
nothing to do with who I am inside. If a man won't look past the
body, how can he know if a woman will be his soul mate or not?
Linda
Dear
Linda,
I'm
not going to snow you with feel-good talk. Being overweight puts
you at a big disadvantage in any forum where first impressions are
often the only impressions. Men size women up visually before deciding
to investigate further, and a thin waist screams to the primitive
core of our brains, "I can make babies." It's akin to
the message a pompous, greased-hair stock broker in a Ferrari sends
to women's brains, but that's more about feeding and clothing said
babies.
So
some people may get a little more action than they might really
deserve, judging them by their characters, and others may get a
little less. You're frustrated because you, idealistically, believe
people should look beyond cultural, superficial standards to see
the great person you are. In a make-believe world, they will. On
Earth, 95% won't.
You
may be among the exalted 5%. I suppose you're ready to return the
generosity of not bypassing someone for an aesthetic trait, even
when it's "nothing personal." If so, search for those
rare people who have the patience, maturity and motivation to get
to know someone so they may, in time, judge them qualitatively.
They exist, but they're not the majority. Most people don't have
the inclination to do this, and others lack the depth. But as long
as you're proudly telling the truth about yourself, you won't have
trouble spotting such a person when he comes along. I wish there
were an easier way, Linda.
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Advice by Coco & Ron
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